First- I hate awkward moments. A lot. Especially when it is with someone you used to be able to talk to so easily. Don't get me wrong, it takes a lot for me to actually say "that was an awkward moment". Silence isn't awkward for me. But forced conversations and abrupt endings are.
Recently, I have had a few of these awkward moments with people that used to be really close to me, with people that used to be people that I could talk to for hours without a second of silence. Suddenly it feels like they are just trying to end the conversation, or not even give it a chance to start. You grow apart for whatever reason, and then when you finally make a concerted effort to rekindle that friendship, it ends up one of those awkward moments. Which sucks. And it's crazy to me that you can look back at those insanely long conversations you used to have and just a little bit of time can pass and boom...it's weird between us.
I don't know why I feel so bothered by this. I'm sure the situation that happened that made me write this was just a misunderstanding. But it's hard for me to not get my feelings hurt. It's hard not to say something like "geez what in the world happened tonight?!?"
I just miss having friends. I feel like I don't have any friends I can just talk to and that's the worst feeling. Not a fun place to be. Hopefully this season is over soon. Ugh.
Which kinda leads me to my second rant. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO over cell phones. I deleted my Facebook a couple weeks ago and it's the best thing I've done. I'm sick of social media stuff :) But lately cell phones just make me depressed. I don't talk to anyone but Cody once in a while on it. So it's just a constant reminder that I don't have anyone talking to me/to talk to. Which is pathetic. I wish I lived in a time where we didn't have cell phones and texting and facebook. Things would be so much simpler. Less ways for drama, less complications, less ways to feel let down. Relationships would be so much more intimate because people would actually talk...what a novel idea. RANT RANT RANT.
I've always wished I had been born 100 years earlier. I don't belong here. But here I am- making the best of it.
Looking at the way things are in my life right now, and knowing things are going to change drastically in just 2 months, I'm feeling a bit like I'm racing against time. I have relationships that need mended before I leave for good. I have things that need done before life moves on, and I have this sickening feeling that I may end up driving away from this town with some loose ends that have yet to be tied..and never will be. And that scares me. Sometimes, second chances are hard to come by.
I'm having these crazy realizations lately. Like I'm graduating college. I'm moving away. I won't be in school anymore at all. I won't see my friends from school probably ever again. I've grown to really cherish some of my girlfriends at school and those friendships have slowly faded down to nothing as we all realize this season is coming to a close.
Everything is changing so fast. It's like I've been looking forward to these big moments for months, even years, and now that it's here, it's scarier than I imagined it would be. Lots of unknowns.
RANT RANT RANT. GRIPE GRIPE GRIPE. Sorry :)
Now a cute picture of Nando. With a sock on his nose. Just because it's funny and he lets me do it :)
Smile. Know things will change eventually. Just keep swimming.
♫So don't smile at me if it ain't what you need
With that goodbye in your eyes
I know that I can't change it ♫ -Zac Brown Band "Goodbye In Her Eyes"
I want you to remember, that while you may feel lonely and empty and sad and depressed and miserable that God's strength is made perfect in weakness! and when this is over, God is going to get some glory out of this!
ReplyDeleteGod's got you right where he wants you so SMILE!!!
=)