I wanna start off by saying that I heard this song today. I know it encouraged me. I hope it encourages a certain friend also. You can thank Gary Allen for it :)
"I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, just keep spinning down, 'round, down…
Every storm runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs out of rain
So hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
Walk out that door
Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns
'Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'
Every storm runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs out of rain"
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I've never really been asked to give up a lot in my life. I guess you could say I've had it pretty easy. But lately, the past few months, I feel like I have given up so much. So much of who I was, so much of who I am, so much of what I love. I've been asked to sacrifice things I don't want to let go of.
And lets face it...sacrifice sucks. It's supposed to though. If you weren't giving up something you love then you couldn't call it sacrifice. However, I'm not sure how I feel about it. Is it fair to be asked to give up who you feel you are to be someone you aren't just so that people around you are happier? I don't feel it is. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe my mindset has been wrong this whole time. Who knows.
I don't want to give up who I am or what I love. But I can't keep fighting this. I'm exhausted by the constant battle, the constant strife and accusation. I find myself asking "Is it all really worth it? Is it worth all the struggle?" And I always realize my answer. It must be. Because I wake up every morning and do what I've always done. I guess I answer my own question.
This season of my life has been so hard. I wish I could say it has also been rewarding, and in some ways it has, but mostly it's just been hard.
I'm burdened for my friends.
I'm stressed about my future.
I'm scared of the change.
I'm unsure of the commitments.
I'm sick of being called fake and disrespectful.
I'm unhappy in my current situation.
I'm unsatisfied with life in general.
And I'm in desperate need of a miracle.
All that combined leads to a lack of sleep and a whole lot of tears.
I think I've uttered the words "I don't even know what to do/say" more this past two months than I have my entire life...
I feel like I give and give and give. I'm always trying to please other people and it's never enough. No matter how much you bust your butt, it's never enough. People will still only point out the faults, only criticize what you're doing. There's no winning it seems like.
I can't help but feel like i constantly keep letting my friends down, and all I'm trying to do is help the best way I know how. But apparently it comes across badly because instead of helping, it seems I only make matters worse. I don't know what to do...:/
I know this is kind of a discouraging post or whatever, but it's my blog and I can write what I want :)
There's so much I want to say. It's unbelievably hard to keep my mouth shut and keep everything bottled up inside, but I don't have a choice. Life is never what you expect it to be. It just isn't that easy. But it's worth fighting hard for, so they tell me.
Fight for what you want.
Fight for what you love.
Don't settle for just existing.
If you want things in your life to change, make it happen. Don't stop until you have found a solution. Don't quit until you have your answer.
You're stronger than you think you are. You just don't know it yet. The quote "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have" is sooooooo incredibly accurate. You just have to believe it. Believe in your heart that you can do it. *with GOD*
I could rant/talk/discuss this for hours (or more accurately paragraphs) but I won't. There's only so much I should say.
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SO....on a lighter note :)
I went horseback riding all day today and it was PERFECTION. I had so much fun talking non-stop with a good friend and riding some great horses.
This is my girl Lita. Check out her mouth...we must have been boring her with our pictures and conversation :)
And just another cute one
I can't write anymore. Exhausted. Emotionally spent. And my heart hurts.
Trusting in God is so hard sometimes. But it won't stop me from trying.
"Faith's my sight.
You're my might.
Impossible is slain.
Because you have risen from the grave"
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