10-11-12

So today's date is 10-11-12. And I think that's really cool. Only once every year does it happen like that..that the numbers go in order like they do today. And for some reason that hit me today as a picture of my life right now. Every once in a while I have a day where I feel like "Oh hey, things are kinda lining up for me right now". Some days things are in order like they should be. But its short lived. This is stupid but its what I thought about today.
Oh a completely not deep note..it only happens one more time...11-12-13. And then never again. For like the next 100 years or something. Sad. :)

Lots of things are changing right now and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I've never been a fan of change. Because most change sucks. But I believe God has got some major good things in store for me. I just hope he gives me a hint of what those things are soon because right now my heart is being tugged in two completely different directions. And I feel like I could be "happy" either way but...who knows.

Today was a rough day.
I want to write more.
I want to take more pictures.
I want to be done with school but I don't want to think about leaving my friends.
Some days my heart is so full. And some days I feel so broken.

"I'm coming back to a heart of worship..where it's all about you Jesus."

Good news is the sun comes up again every single morning. You just have to have the strength to get up and go outside. And some days its harder than others. Some days you have to see past the clouds to know there's sunshine back there somewhere, and it'll come out eventually. Just wait for it.

Ridiculousness

You know that verse in Song of Solomon that says something to the effect of "I have found the one my soul loves."?
Well I found mine. And his name is Edy. Edy RichNCreamy. This ice cream is seriously so good. If you are having a bad day, eat it away with this ice cream. It's pure chocolate perfection.

That was my ad for the day.

So here's what this post is really about. The past few days weeks I have been acting like someone I'm really not. I'm stronger than I've been acting. I have a God bigger than these problems, and I have been acting like I don't.
I look at my circumstances and I say "how in the world can I move this mountain? how am I going to be able to handle this?" and all the while God's going "don't worry about it. Trust me. Take my hand and you'll step right over it".

I've been going through a lot lately, and I have every reason in the world to be stressed, but to act like I am the only one going through this, like I have nothing to live for, that's absolute ridiculousness.
I call myself a Christian and then I complain about feeling lonely and helpless.
RIDICULOUS
I complain about my circumstances and pray for change but don't do anything to change myself.
RIDICULOUS
I look to place blame on everyone else instead of taking responsibility for what I did and own up to my mistakes.
RIDICULOUS

My bible tells me that God is my strength. Without him I can't do anything. With him, nothing is impossible. It's that simple. If you try to walk alone, then you'll end up that way. If you walk with God then he will bring you out of the situation in a better state than when you went in.

Psalms 18:2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.

We had a special speaker at my church last Sunday. She said something that really encouraged me, along with just about everyone that heard her.
She said there's an after this season. Meaning the storm you are in can't last forever. And when you come out of that storm you're going through, you'll be stronger than you were.

I'm encouraged. I feel hopeful for the first time in a very long time. I'm working so hard to get that joy back. I can't help but feel like I look like a giant rain cloud..and I don't want to bring my friends down. So from now on it's all smiles. Or at least I'm going to try.
My happiness shouldn't come from other people. Life is hard. Being a Christian is hard. But God can give you the rest you need to be able to handle anything life throws at you.

Matthew 11:28 "Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."

So smile. No matter what your situation. No matter how hard things are, how many tears you have cried. God knows what you're going through. He never left your side. When you feel like you're completely alone and you have no one around and no where to go, look beside you. God's right there.
He's waiting for you to recognize that He is enough for you. He's waiting for you to let go of your selfish pride and say "I can't do this without you, God". And when you can do that, he'll sweep you up into his arms and carry you through that storm. He's faithful like that. Compassionate and patient.

Hillsong has a song right now called Cornerstone that has really ministered to me for a month or so now..
Christ alone, Cornerstone
Weak made strong, in the Savior's love
Through the storm
He is Lord, Lord of All
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And because my animals are so dang adorable..i'll leave you with a parting shot of both of them :)
This is Nando's "Oh hey, you're eating ice cream?" face.

And my gorgeously handsome cat that spends approximately 16 hours a day on my lap :)

Have a blessed day!! P.s. Today was a Plain White T's music kind of day for me.

Big Bad World Give this song a listen.

It's a big bad world
Were doing what we can
Sometimes we fall on our face
Before we even learn to stand
But we get back up
Shake off all the dust
And take it step by step

I can fill the whole floor to the ceiling
With all the dead wrong choices I've made
And even though we try to learn
From each others mistakes

We'll do it again and again
Till we eventually can change
The way it's always been

It's a big bad dream
Following your heart
Sometimes the one you
Need's the one that tears you apart
So you say goodbye
Kiss her one more time
And cry the whole way home

I can fill up the driest river
With all the tears falling off of my face
And even though we try to learn
From each others mistakes

We'll do it again (doing it again)
We'll do it again my friend (doing it again)

Just running 'round in circles
Tripping over every hurdle
Were just trying to do the best that we can

It's a big bad life
All that we can do
Is try to make it right
Tomorrow something new
So if a big rain cloud
Follows you around
Don't let it get you down

Heartbroken=Forever Incomplete

Have you ever given just a piece of your heart away to someone and never gotten it back?
Well I have.
Now my second question is have you ever looked at a puzzle that's done but its missing just one or two pieces?
No matter how beautiful the complete puzzle is, you cant help but focus on the fact that those pieces are missing. It makes the whole picture incomplete. Even one small corner piece can be missing. It may seem insignificant, but it takes the beauty out of the picture.

I feel like that puzzle. I feel like I've lost a couple of crucial pieces of me that I won't ever get back. I know I may be happy or whatever someday, and I know God can restore my life and marriage, but I'll never be complete again.
And yes, I know God can fill that hole, but I believe God brings friends into your life for a purpose, and when they are ripped out of your life, as well as your heart, it leaves a gaping hole that won't ever completely heal.

I used to think I had some really good friends, friends that made me realize people aren't all that bad. I have had trust issues for ever because people absolutely love to feed you bull about how you are a good friend and how you mean something to them, but I constantly wake up the next day alone.

I was wrong though. I finally realized today that maybe we never were friends. We never had a real relationship. I thought we did, but turns out I'm just as gullible and naive as ever, and I let myself get invested in a friendship and I got burnt. Again.

This sounds like I'm just complaining but that's not all it is. I let my heart love so easily because I want to believe the best in people. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. The worst part is that those "friends" don't even realize what they are doing. People continuously take advantage of me. So, I'm done.
I'm done making an effort to be friends with people that don't truly care.
I'm ok with being lonely.
I'm ok with being unhappy.
I'm ok with that. And I'll be fine.
But my heart hurts today. And I feel like it will for a very long time. I dare say my heart broke a little today.

And so begins the healing process. Again.
So the walls around my heart are back up. Again.

I am so ready to get out of here. There has to be something more out there than heartache, let downs, disappointment, and failure.

Lord this is the hardest season I've ever been through. Just when I thought I had something that would get me through, just when I felt things were getting easier/better, its ripped out from under me. I don't understand it. I'm lonely and scared and hurting, but I have to trust Your plan for my life. Whatever that might be.

So that's all for today. The point of this post was for me to get that out. I am sick of crying today.
May not write anymore either. Probably done. With everything.
And I'm in major need of some restoration. Because I'm depressed.  And I'm scared.
One last thing..I've always been that girl that said "No, Jesus can't come back yet. There's too much I want to do still!!" But I've realized its not worth it ha
As of today, I'm ready to meet Jesus. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to live in a world like this anymore. I've never felt that way before but I definitely do now.

Blah blah blah blah. Today has been hard.
I've whined and complained enough for a lifetime though so I'm done talking.
Have a happy monday :) I know I sure am..

Nando&Batman Pictures-Just for fun

And just because I recently found an awesome picture website where I can make collages...here are my boys :) Nando&Batman

Every Storm Runs Out Of Rain.

I'm gonna warn everyone right off the bat...this is gonna be a long one.

I wanna start off by saying that I heard this song today. I know it encouraged me. I hope it encourages a certain friend also. You can thank Gary Allen for it :)

"I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, just keep spinning down, 'round, down…

Every storm runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs out of rain

So hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
Walk out that door
Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns
'Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'

Every storm runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs out of rain"
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I've never really been asked to give up a lot in my life. I guess you could say I've had it pretty easy. But lately, the past few months, I feel like I have given up so much. So much of who I was, so much of who I am, so much of what I love. I've been asked to sacrifice things I don't want to let go of.

And lets face it...sacrifice sucks. It's supposed to though. If you weren't giving up something you love then you couldn't call it sacrifice. However, I'm not sure how I feel about it. Is it fair to be asked to give up who you feel you are to be someone you aren't just so that people around you are happier? I don't feel it is. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe my mindset has been wrong this whole time. Who knows.
I don't want to give up who I am or what I love. But I can't keep fighting this. I'm exhausted by the constant battle, the constant strife and accusation. I find myself asking "Is it all really worth it? Is it worth all the struggle?" And I always realize my answer. It must be. Because I wake up every morning and do what I've always done. I guess I answer my own question.


This season of my life has been so hard. I wish I could say it has also been rewarding, and in some ways it has, but mostly it's just been hard.
I'm burdened for my friends.
I'm stressed about my future.
I'm scared of the change.
I'm unsure of the commitments.
I'm sick of being called fake and disrespectful.
I'm unhappy in my current situation.
I'm unsatisfied with life in general.
And I'm in desperate need of a miracle.
All that combined leads to a lack of sleep and a whole lot of tears.
I think I've uttered the words "I don't even know what to do/say" more this past two months than I have my entire life...
I feel like I give and give and give. I'm always trying to please other people and it's never enough. No matter how much you bust your butt, it's never enough. People will still only point out the faults, only criticize what you're doing. There's no winning it seems like.

I can't help but feel like i constantly keep letting my friends down, and all I'm trying to do is help the best way I know how. But apparently it comes across badly because instead of helping, it seems I only make matters worse. I don't know what to do...:/

I know this is kind of a discouraging post or whatever, but it's my blog and I can write what I want :)

There's so much I want to say. It's unbelievably hard to keep my mouth shut and keep everything bottled up inside, but I don't have a choice. Life is never what you expect it to be. It just isn't that easy. But it's worth fighting hard for, so they tell me.
Fight for what you want.
Fight for what you love.
Don't settle for just existing.
If you want things in your life to change, make it happen. Don't stop until you have found a solution. Don't quit until you have your answer.
You're stronger than you think you are. You just don't know it yet. The quote "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have" is sooooooo incredibly accurate. You just have to believe it. Believe in your heart that you can do it. *with GOD*

I could rant/talk/discuss this for hours (or more accurately paragraphs) but I won't. There's only so much I should say.
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SO....on a lighter note :)
I went horseback riding all day today and it was PERFECTION. I had so much fun talking non-stop with a good friend and riding some great horses.

This is my girl Lita. Check out her mouth...we must have been boring her with our pictures and conversation :)

And just another cute one

I can't write anymore. Exhausted. Emotionally spent. And my heart hurts.
Trusting in God is so hard sometimes. But it won't stop me from trying.

"Faith's my sight.
You're my might.
Impossible is slain.
Because you have risen from the grave"

The Beautiful Letdown

First order of business...THANK GOD FOR THE SUNSHINE TODAY!!!!!!!!!! I've been waiting weeks to finally see sunshine and today is the day! Which is incredible because it was a challenging, awful, stressful day.

As all of this change is coming at me, I'm realizing a lot of things, both about myself and about the people around me. It's funny how stress and change can really bring out the true character of a person.
I'm realizing that I:
-need a lot more work with dealing with stress.
-need to do things I enjoy more so that this stress doesn't have an opportunity to build up and affect my attitude.
-rely on other people to make me happy, instead of looking to the ONE (God) that can bring you joy. Not happiness, but true joy.
-am a whole lot stronger than I thought I was. But sometimes I let that strength and independence block out support I need from people. Because I think I don't need help.

I'm realizing that there's a big difference between "friends" and true friends. With change comes new chapters, new people, new relationships, and new beginnings. But it also brings with it endings, closing the cover on some chapters and ending relationships purely because two people are heading down separate roads.

Some people in my life that I valued as true friends are turning out to just be friends. And as hard as it is to cut those ties and realize you don't mean as much to them as you thought you did, it's better in the end. No sense in wasting your time on someone who doesn't value you like a real friend should. They let you down, they only come to you when they need something from you, and when it comes down to it, they don't really want to spend time any extra time with you, whether you need it or not. Those are the kinds of people that you minister to. Be kind and friendly but keep your walls up. Protect your heart.

Apparently I'm having trouble with that because that had a tiny hint of rant in it.

I miss the way things used to be. I miss Kentucky. I miss my friends down there. I miss my family. I miss playing volleyball. I miss going out on the weekends, going to movies and drive ins and parks and games. I miss the way my life used to be. And I'm having that kind of day.

But hey. it's sunny outside. :) Silver lining. And God loves me, despite the day I'm having, or the week I'm having. No matter how upset i get or how stressed I am. God is Peace. He's hope and he's rest. And I'm thankful for that.

For every reason I find that makes me frown, God reminds me of all the reasons I have to smile. And I have a lot. I'm blessed. I take all that I have for granted so often. But I have so much to be thankful for. I'm the lucky one.

~Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope. God's got his hand on ME so don't live life in fear. Forgive and forget but don't forget why you're here. Take your time and pray. Thank God for each day. His love will find a way.~

Something 'Bout A Truck

Finally :)
That is my BRAND NEW (: 1989 Dodge Dakota :) And I love it. Although it has yet to be named. Suggestions are welcome.

That is all.

All day I have been trying to come up with an excuse to get Nando and head out somewhere, but unfortunately I already got my errands for the day done.

On a different note:
Sometimes friends know EXACTLY what to do and say to bring sunshine to the cloudiest day of the week. I thank God for those friends. They bless me so much.

Friday is going to be a super good day. Skipping class to go to Blackwell and ride horses for like 5 hours. I am so excited. It's such a stress reliever for me and Lord knows I need that. The invitation couldn't have come at a better time. Hopefully I can get some pictures that day. We'll see :)


By the way...Happy October!!! :) Some fall pictures I took the other day.

For some reason I think plants like this are really cool looking.

And another one of pretty fall colors

That's all. Happy Harvesting!! :)