A Little Self-Reflecting

Have you ever looked around at the people closest to you and wondered why it seems like they are all "changing"? You feel like people are acting different towards you, or that something is wrong with the way everyone else is...

I feel that way right now, but I'm beginning to think that the problem isn't everyone else...it's me.

I don't know why I feel so happy but sad at the same time. I am realizing the different between joy and happiness too, because that awesome feeling of being "happy" just doesn't last very long. So how do you find that thing that brings you real joy? (clue: it's got to be god)

I have a couple things, people, whatever that really bring me joy. But have you ever felt so happy and, dare I say joyful in a relationship or situation with someone and come to find out that you don't bring the other person the kind of joy they bring you? It's heartbreaking. It leaves you feeling so...worthless.

All my life I've felt like I'm not enough. Nothing I do has ever been good enough. I could always have done a little better. I feel like I constantly fall short. Some call me a perfectionist. And that's fine. I am, or that's just who I have become.. I have ridiculously high standards for everyone, borderline unreasonable standards, and I get disappointed when people can't measure up. I include myself in that. I don't accept anything less than the best from myself, so why should anyone else be able to get by with doing things half-way?

I feel so...like i'm not enough. And I'm struggling with that right now, and basically all the time.

So today I was driving to work and popped in one of Pastor Jim's old sermons. I didn't look at the cd title or anything, just reached into the stack and pulled a random one out, pushed it into my cd player. It was about Valentines Day, and how God is our "Love of a lifetime". It talked about how people chose Valentines Day to be that one day that you have to show someone you say you love how much they mean to you....as if that shouldn't be part of your daily routine. But how like every day is Valentines Day with God and he is your Valentine. Everyday he seeks to remind you of how hard he loves us.

I want a love like that. It's ridiculous that people take people they love for granted so often. How can we claim to love someone but treat them the way we treat them.
You could lose someone you love in a heartbeat. A literal heartbeat. You never know.

It's like the Skillet song that says "Today I'm gonna try a little harder, gonna make every minute last longer. I'm gonna learn to forgive and forget because we don't have long-we've got to make the most of it. Today I'm gonna love my enemies, reach out to somebody who needs me. Make a change, make the world a better place but tomorrow could be one day too late."

You just never know....you really never know if you are gonna have another day with someone or not.

So be careful.